Friday, December 15, 2006


This has got to be the nicest story of the year. Makes one feel all warm and fuzzy.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Environment: Is it really worth it?

Honestly, fucking environmentalists. I think that I am fairly green, I recycle, I make my own compost and I can't afford to travel much, but this is unbelievable. They want to have their organic carrot & poppy seed cake and eat it!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Join the Atheist Blogroll

Calling all atheists, agnostics and free thinkers. Join the atheists blogroll, now, today, immediatly....
.... or don't, it's up to you.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Jewish philosopher

Hey everybody, check out this hateful cunt!!

Sorry about the language, but read his post before you complain.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Friday, September 08, 2006

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

You be the judge

I've just heard on the radio that scientists have discovered that cows moo with a regional accent. Presumably there was some kind of Government grant for this research, meanwhile we still don't have a cure for cancer. Views?

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Dear Jim...

Dear Jim

Please can you fix it for Sandi Thom to be a punk rocker with flowers in her hair. Perhaps then she would shut the fuck up.


Yours sincerely


Friday, July 14, 2006

An idea, beautiful in its simplicity

The glut of celebrity/charity/reality (and various combinations of all three) shows on the box at the moment is really getting on my tits. I don't watch much telly these days, Lost and Doctor Who are my guilty pleasures, but my wife, bless her, will watch any old shit going. As a consequence, I too am subjected to these dubious delights that pass for entertainment as I (unsuccessfully) try to read my book in the same room as the TV.

Anyway, the missus was watching Only Fools On Horses recently (interspersed with bits of Big Brother, followed by Love Island etc), when it came to me: a brilliant idea for a new show. Now I don't know if it was the nature of the show that made my mind wander (after all you know what they say about girls on horses...glazed eyes all round), but I started to mentally put Kirsty Gallacher, Jenni Falconer and Sara Cox into more favourable environments. That’s when it hit me: Celebrity Porn!

The format is simple. A group of 20 celebrities are put into a house for a number of weeks. Each week they are given a script to learn, of a porn film which is shot over the course of two or three days. The celebrities are split into four groups of five, and each celebrity will be required to enter into some form of congress with each member of their group at some point during the film. The finished product is shown to studio audience who vote for the most arousing performance. The winner of the vote is ‘safe’ and cannot be evicted. Then the remaining celebrities each nominate two of their housemates for eviction and the two with the most votes face the public vote.

The celebrity that is voted out by the public will then be evicted from the house and interviewed by either Ron Jeremy or Ant and Dec (haven’t decided yet).

Each week’s film will be recorded into DVD format and put on general release. All proceeds can then go to charity.

The show shall be called, “I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Off In Here!”, or “Celebrity XXX Factor”, or Celebrity Muff Diving” etc


Friday, June 23, 2006

The Know-It-All

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an avid reader and have been for some time. I used to be quite pretentious about reading, believing knowledge to be synonymous with intelligence. In these more enlightened times I have of course realised that the two, while related, are very different things. Intelligence is measured by ones creativity and ability to problem solve, whilst knowledge is dependant upon an enquiring mind and a decent memory. Anyone can know a fact but is quite another thing to understand it. A long time ago I realised that I am as intelligent (or unintelligent) as I am, and that there is very little I can do about it, and so I confined myself to the slow but steady accumulation of knowledge. Unfortunately my distinctly average memory leaves me on a par with just about everybody else, but I enjoy it and that’s the main thing.

My quest for knowledge led me to an excellent book, which I have just finished reading, called “The Know-It-All” by A.J. Jacobs. It charts the author’s quest to become the cleverest person in the world by reading the 2002 edition of the Encyclopaedia Britannica from A-Z. 33,000 pages, 65,000 entries, 44,000,000 words and weighing in at 9 stone, this was an epic feat that took nearly a year. The book is written over 24 chapters, one for each letter from A to W and one for X, Y and Z and with each chapter telling the authors story interlaced with descriptions of some of the Encyclopaedia’s entries for that particular letter.

The book is a very entertaining read, and it made me want to go out and buy the Britannica so that I could do the same. Unfortunately, this would set be back in the region of £800 so I doubt that I will be doing it anytime soon. Nevertheless, the idea has stuck with me and so if I can’t afford to read the Britannica, maybe I can try something a little cheaper…

…Got it! The Dictionary. I happen to have a copy of the Chambers 21st Century Dictionary sitting on my shelf, so with no expense necessary I have decided to read the whole damn thing from cover to cover. I know that in comparison to the Britannica my quest is decidedly modest; however I do hope that I will get something out of it, even if it is only useful for playing scrabble!

"Hang on a minute!" I hear you scream, "The Chambers Dictionary? What crazy-assed shit is this? Surely the Oxford English Dictionary is the quintessential dictionary, why settle for anything else?" Ok, you have a point, the OED is THE dictionary, the quoted source of Countdown etc. but I have just had a look at a copy and it's typeface is SHIT!!! I can't explain it, but it just gets on my tits, so the Chambers it is.

I intend to start quite soon and in keeping with “The Know-It-All” I think I will publish a few of the more interesting and obscure definitions online. I will post them on a separate blog for anyone who cares. Watch this space.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Wet Sand... the title of my current favorite track on the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album - Stadium Arcadium. Now, I know that most of you won't give a shit about that but since this is my blog, I can do whatever the fuck I like!

That said, I am well aware that not everybody has such good taste as me, and that opinions will vary on this subject. I therefore open the debate as to which track on the new album is best and I would value your comments on the subject. Thoughts on the album in general would also be welcomed.

I haven't posted in a while, and you can see why. I tend to talk bollocks quite a bit.



Sunday, April 16, 2006

Sunday, April 02, 2006


I have just been sent the following "April fool" link. I was a bit bleary eyed when I read it and was comletely taken in at first. Its a fucking chilling thought!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Internet Gold

It really is amazing what you come across, just ambling your way through cyberspace. By far and away the best site I've stumbled across recently is: It appears to be a collection of forums and articles dedicated to this subject of a flat Earth. I cannot be absolutely sure but I do believe that some people who post to this site are actually taking it seriously!!!! The best posts are the ones from angry skeptics, who savagely belittle the "flatties" with brilliantly erudite and structured arguments, only to be countered by comments such as "How can you morons think the earth is a sphere? I mean if it was and we are rotating at over 200 mph then how come when we jump we don't end over 123 feet away?". Brilliant!!!
Amongst other things, the Flat Earthers believe that photographs such as this are faked by the government/military for a variety of reasons ranging from the exotic to the downright ridiculous. They also believe that the land masses of the world are surrounded by a giant wall of ice that no one has been able to scale. One fellow has even posted that he is awaiting a government grant to explore the wall of ice (Ahhhh hahahahahahahahaha)
Seriously folks. I am well aware that 90% of the site is a piss take, but some of it, at least, is genuine and it makes for a seriously entertaining read.

Friday, March 17, 2006

The Amazing Randi

Although he has been around for a long time I first became aware of James Randi a few years ago when he appeared on television in a programme about the paranormal. He was on stage in front of a room of people who all believed in psychics and clairvoyants. He began the show by picking people at random from the audience and accurately describing things about them that they believed a stranger could not possibly have known. He did this to rapturous applause from the crowd who all believed him to have psychic abilities. Part way through the programme however, he revealed that he was not a psychic after all and furthermore he believed the whole idea of the paranormal to be nonsense. He told the crowd that he happened to be adept at “cold reading” and had gleaned his information from the things they themselves had unwittingly revealed to him. The crowd went ape shit, booing him and deriding him, but I was cheering him at home for making them look ridiculous.
I recently came across his website and it makes for interesting reading. Randi himself is not participating in its upkeep at the moment due to ill health but I understand he will be back soon. One if the main features of the site concerns the American “psychic” Sylvia Browne. Apparently some years ago Randi laid down a challenge to all supposed psychics. He offered a $1,000,000 reward to anyone who can prove their psychic abilities in a scientific test environment with the parameters to be agreed by both parties. Not only has no one passed this challenge, but nobody has even taken him up on his offer. The only person to accept the challenge was Sylvia Browne who did so on live television in 2001. Despite promising to contact Randi she has not yet done so, claiming that she has been too busy. You would have thought that proving to the world that she is not a liar and a fake would be quite high on her “to do” list, but apparently not.
Also on the site is a fascinating story about a woman who has been appearing in churches up and down America as a guest speaker. Amongst her outlandish claims are some more disturbing ones. I won’t go into details here (you can see for yourself by visiting the site) but she appears to be trying to cash in on the 9/11 terrorist attacks! Do these people have any morals at all? It would appear not.
I would strongly suggest anyone reading this to visit Randi’s site. Apart from anything else he has had a long drawn out feud with Uri Geller, including writing two books denouncing his “powers”. If that doesn’t make you want to know more about him, nothing will. Randi’s site provides many good examples of why these people aren’t merely laughable fakes or self deluded weirdos, but nasty, self serving frauds who, in many cases, have amassed large fortunes by peddling lies to the unsuspecting. If they were in any other business they would be tried as criminals, and I find it abhorrent that they are allowed to get away with it without providing some kind of proof that what they do is in any way worthwhile.
That’s enough for now. Can someone fetch me a step ladder? I appear to be stuck on top of a large soapbox.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

A load of old bollocks

So, Tessa Jowell has split up with her husband because he might have taken a bribe from Silvio Berlusconi. And this is newsworthy because...? I have just found out that my wife of four years doesn't like cheese and ham sandwiches. We've all got problems! I don't notice my dillema taking up space on the front page of British tabloids or being featured on BBC news.

In other news, I'm still battling on with my novel. The main plot is pretty much there and I've actually started to flesh out the first few chapters. I still can't decide weather or not it is the crown jewel of human endeavour or a tedious pile of pretentious wank.

Incidentally, as a kind of anniversary present for my wife I have recently published a small book with (see previous posts). It is a complete travesty of inane and inept cartoons with a couple of short stories thrown in. It will be available to buy in the near future so watch this space.

I have just read this post back and I must apologise if it is even more tedious than usual. I have just come back from a party and I am a liiitttllleee bit pished. I will dispense with a spell check and leave it for fate to decide weather or not it makes sense.

Goodnight my little babies.

Monday, February 27, 2006

A compromise

Following my previous post concerning a letter that I almost sent to my local newspaper, I found that I couldn’t let the matter rest. The reason I did not send the letter was because my wife felt that it may upset some of our friends who happen to be Christians and she did not want my name to be included. I in turn did not want to submit the letter anonymously because I have always felt that if you have something to say, you should have the balls to put your name to it. I am not inherently anti-religious, quite the opposite in fact. Whilst not being religious myself, I think that in a democracy everyone should have the right to follow their beliefs and express their views however distasteful they may be. That is the very essence of freedom of speech and long may it live.
On balance though, I was forced to concede that the original draft of the letter was perhaps a tad long, coming in at over twice the recommended word count. I realised that I could remove most of the anti-religious rant without losing anything of the sense of my main argument. After all, my main beef is that an important political issue is being clouded by religious rhetoric that has no place at the debating table. To include too much anti-religious diatribe would make me a hypocrite.
I redrafted the letter and my wife, bless her, was happy for me to submit it, name and all. I have sent it off this morning. The debate has been going on for a while now, with most interested parties having had their say, so I do not expect much feedback. If I do receive any emails I will of course post them, but for now I consider honour to have been satisfied and a line drawn under the subject. I will of course post the outcome of the States debate, but quite when that will be I don’t know.
I have posted the text of the revised letter here for anyone who cares.

Friday, February 24, 2006


In Guernsey, the island on which I live, there is currently a debate raging in our local paper concerning the homosexual age of consent. Currently it stands at 18 while the heterosexual age of consent is 16. This strikes me as wholly unnacceptable and I decided to write a letter myself. However, I ran the first draft by my wife and she urged me not to send it becasue she felt that it would upset some of our friends who happen to be christians. Not wanting to have a row about it, I decided against my better judgement to refrain from sending it. Instead, I've posted it on my Ramblings blog. I'd welcome your comments.

What a Dick

Instead of hunting quail, wouldn't it be better for Dick Cheney to hunt Dan Quail? Just a thought.

Also, check this out. 'Tis quite amusing.

False advertising

I have just eaten a bowl of Kelloggs Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. Imagine my surprise when I dicovered that, on this occasion, one bowl was enough. Does anyone think that I have recourse to sue?

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Next blog

It's past my bedtime and I have just clicked "Next blog" at the top of the page a few times. Man alive! There are some serious fucking pockets of humanity out there. Makes one scared to step out the door.

Good night.

A simple observation

Every time a mobile phone text message is sent, an angel gets sucked inside a jet engine.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

An unprecedented occurance

Well well well. For the first time ever I appear to be following through with all the big talk of fullfilling my New Years resolution. As a fellow once said, I have tickled The Muses tits and she has decided to produce. I'm telling you folks, this thing almost has a life of it's own, new ideas every other minute. I'm even having to carry round paper and pen when I'm out and about, so that I can jot everything down, lest I forget. I've never had to do that before.
I have started to get down a fairly decent back story to draw from, a pleasing plot outline and a few interesting characters. Still having trouble with the main protagonist though, but patience my boy, it'll come, it'll come.
If anyone reading this has any experience of writing and would like to offer some words of encouragement and/or advice, please feel free to post.
My brother appears to be having readers block at the moment. He is due to come over for a visit in a few days, hopefully by then I'll have something worthwhile to show him and maybe it'll renew his interest in the written word.
Oh well, better get some sleep in. Good night my fellows. Speak to you soon.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year

As is customary at the dawn of a new twelve month, my New Years resolution is to finish my novel. Although he doesn't know it, my brother provided the impetus for this endeavour.
I recently posted a very short story on my Ramblings blog, and he told me that he looked forward to reading the rest of it! Little did he know that what I had posted was all there was, and indeed all that I ever intended there to be. However, I have taken his comments and run with them, and I now have the basis for a much longer story that I hope will one day become a novel. Wish me luck and watch this space...