The glut of celebrity/charity/reality (and various combinations of all three) shows on the box at the moment is really getting on my tits. I don't watch much telly these days, Lost and Doctor Who are my guilty pleasures, but my wife, bless her, will watch any old shit going. As a consequence, I too am subjected to these dubious delights that pass for entertainment as I (unsuccessfully) try to read my book in the same room as the TV.
Anyway, the missus was watching Only Fools On Horses recently (interspersed with bits of Big Brother, followed by Love Island etc), when it came to me: a brilliant idea for a new show. Now I don't know if it was the nature of the show that made my mind wander (after all you know what they say about girls on horses...glazed eyes all round), but I started to mentally put Kirsty Gallacher, Jenni Falconer and Sara Cox into more favourable environments. That’s when it hit me: Celebrity Porn!
The format is simple. A group of 20 celebrities are put into a house for a number of weeks. Each week they are given a script to learn, of a porn film which is shot over the course of two or three days. The celebrities are split into four groups of five, and each celebrity will be required to enter into some form of congress with each member of their group at some point during the film. The finished product is shown to studio audience who vote for the most arousing performance. The winner of the vote is ‘safe’ and cannot be evicted. Then the remaining celebrities each nominate two of their housemates for eviction and the two with the most votes face the public vote.
The celebrity that is voted out by the public will then be evicted from the house and interviewed by either Ron Jeremy or Ant and Dec (haven’t decided yet).
Each week’s film will be recorded into DVD format and put on general release. All proceeds can then go to charity.
The show shall be called, “I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Off In Here!”, or “Celebrity XXX Factor”, or Celebrity Muff Diving” etc